This time of year can seem like a replay of familiar words: apology, pardon, forgive. But, what does it all mean, how does it work, and which comes before which?

Last Saturday night marked the beginning of the week before the Jewish New Year, of Rosh HaShana. The name of the special late night service is Selichot, which means ‘pardons’ in Hebrew. This is one way the Jewish New Year differs from a secular new year: we accept that we have made errors, reflect on how we may have missed the mark in the past year, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. We do this so that we can move forward with newer, better, attitudes and behaviours. The word for this turning around from a problem behaviour to a new, improved one is, Teshuva, which literally means, turning around.

But, really, who are we apologizing to, and what is most important: the apology or forgiveness or the resolve to change? and for whom is our apology or forgiveness meant?

These are questions behind centuries-old beliefs and practices in Judaism; are they still relevant to today? The answer is a resounding, Yes!

Here is an modern example of how apology, forgiveness, and change are interrelated:

A friend has run a monthly group program for a non-profit organization for many years. Unfortunately, the office administrators, every month in all those years except for 2 or 3 of them, advertise the program incorrectly to the hundreds of it members on the mailing list. That is, the date or time or is wrong, or it just doesn’t get advertised. The errors are different every month. Every month, my friend has to ask the office to correct the problem(s). And, every month the office administrator apologizes, only to make errors again the next month. Conversations initiated by my friend to come to a better outcome with the office provide no change, and the errors continue to go out.

This reminds me of the ‘Peanuts’ cartoons, in which Lucy perpetually tricks Charlie Brown into believing she will hold the football in place for him when he goes to kick it. I hate to think of adults behaving the way Lucy does, or for that matter, as Charlie Brown does. This will be an endless, shameful, dynamic unless one of them resolves to change, or to turn around, in Teshuva, and be released from this endless cycle of victim and perpetrator.

Teshuva is really not as complicated or difficult as we might think. Knowing the territory, having a map, makes it more attainable. We first have to acknowledge that there is a problem. In the case of my friend, this was pointed out to the office, and Charlie Brown also discusses his concerns with Lucy. The next step would be for the office administrator or Lucy to recognize or care about how their behaviour has caused hurt or harm to someone else. An apology may go out, and even words saying it won’t happen again, or even what they will do differently next time: but the real apology happens when the hurtful behaviour stops.

Sadly, Lucy keeps tricking Charlie Brown, and the office keeps tricking my friend.

So, what do we do when the behaviour continues? And, do we forgive someone simply because they said, ‘I’m Sorry’, but their behaviour did not change? There is more to information about this in our road map.

I have bookmarked some useful readings with a very modern understanding of the importance of making real inner change as an integral part of apologizing:

• At The Well: Sorry, Not Sorry: The Real Path to an Apology By Hanna Perlberger
• The Jewish Woman: Saying ‘I’m Sorry,’ and Meaning It By Samantha Barnett
• The Times of Israel: Don’t just casually say sorry, focus on changing in the future Eytan Saenger

It is important also to note that apologies may not come your way, even if you believe they are due, and that is okay.

The other party may not understand how to apologize, or feel uncomfortable, or embarrassed, or not know how, or have other barriers to owning their error. Or, it maybe it is that no error was made at their end. Whatever the reason, it can be a very long time to wait for an apology that never comes, and a long time to be on hold in a queue that is now taking up your time and attention. This is where forgiveness may help you to move on.

Moving to forgiveness does not require an apology. There may be a myriad of reasons why you didn’t receive your apology, and thinking of what possibilities there are might be useful. It is also important to look for a change in behaviour instead of the words of apology.

A friend once told me that the only ones who like to be changed are babies.

It’s true. You can’t expect to change others, but you can change yourself. Think of how football might be for Charlie Brown if he asks Lucy do something other than hold the football for him, or if Lucy apologizes and then honestly and consistently holds the ball properly for him to kick.

Notice yourself. What can you do to change so that if put in the same situation again, you have a plan that allows you to replace a cycle of errors or harm with success. Reflecting on what went wrong and how you can change, can release you from burdens you no longer wish to have.

Think about what you might need to change or let go of from this past year. If appropriate, apologize to yourself or to the other person. Then, think about what you would do if the same situation arose again: how would you handle it next time? and then employ the new pattern.

Know that forgiveness of self and others comes when change happens for the better: for growth, for health, and to make the world a better place for everyone.

Shana Tova, A Good New Year…Susan